Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe has a very good chance of being mentioned during any discussion of bad movies. It really is a bad movie, yet, to my surprise (if not shame), I didn't hate it nearly as much as I should have, which just serves as further proof that there is obviously something wrong with me. It's certainly not that I like Jesse Ventura, the star of this film -- the man was a bigger joke as a governor than he was as a wrestler. Speaking of jokes, Abraxas comes loaded with plenty of unintentional comedy, including one of the oddest cameos (featuring a young Jim Belushi) I've ever seen. Abraxas's infamous line "My box has VD ... trust me" is just a drop in the cheesy cinematic bucket.

Jesse Ventura is, of course, Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe. I would quantify that by saying it's in name only because he is routinely beaten up by his nemesis (and ex-partner) Secundus (Sven-Ole Thorsen). You'd think a man with over 10,000 years of experience and a genetically strengthened body could do some real damage to an opponent, but apparently not. At least Ventura doesn't sport any of those ridiculous boas he used to wear in the ring.

In his defense, though, he does have a most worthy opponent in Secundus. This guy is all business, an emotionless man of steel who goes through anything that gets in his way -- and he has a cool scar across his face that makes him look even tougher. Secundus was once Abraxas's partner, but he chose to turn rogue and pursue unlimited power. For some reason, the pathway to godhood involves Secundus warping down to Earth, finding a breedable female and getting her pregnant. The resulting child will be "the comater" and somehow come to know the "Anti-Life Equation" that will allow Secundus to secure unlimited power for himself (unless the child accidentally destroys the whole universe first). Abraxas is sent to stop this from happening.

Sonia Murray (Marjorie Bransfield) is the lucky lady who gives birth to the comator (aka Tommy). Fortunately for her, the child is conceived in a most unconventional way, and the whole pregnancy only lasts a couple of minutes -- and she gives birth to the child without even taking her pants off. Abraxas disobeys his orders to eliminate the woman and the child, so you know what that means -- it's only a matter of time before he's forced to come back to Earth to try and stop Secundus from using the boy as his conduit for unlimited power.

I have no clue what that whole Anti-Life Equation is all about, and what the heck is a "comater," anyway? Quite frankly, nothing about this movie makes a whole lot of sense. Don't look for a bunch of emotional drama here, either, even though there's apparently some kind of weird love thing going on between Abraxas and Sonia -- and some people like to question the nature of Abraxas's relationship with Sonia's young son. And the fight scenes? Terrible. I wouldn't trust Abraxas to guard a chicken coop, let alone the entire universe. Thank goodness we have Secundus's comical interactions with human beings to entertain us -- as well as Belushi's brief appearance as the dumbest principal in the history of the world. There's no shortage of things to make fun of here, and I guess that's why I didn't hate the film as much as I should have.