Yes, it's finally here -- the opening of Memorial Valley Campsite. Who wouldn't love to escape back to nature in the confines of this luxurious vacation spot a hop, skip and a jump past the middle of nowhere? So what if the construction isn't quite complete yet? The road out probably won't flood too badly. Who cares if there's no water available because the well's been tainted by a mysteriously dead animal? Just pretend you're living like your forefathers did. You say you found a whole nest of venomous snakes crawling all over your food? Maybe that's just someone's way of telling you to lose a few pounds. A bear invaded your tent? Well, that's going to happen, you know. And so what if a few campers have suffered unnatural, grisly deaths? What are you, some kind of girly-man? Man up, fella.

Financier Allen Sangster (Cameron Mitchell) has big plans for Memorial Valley, but ranger George Webster (John Kerry) is the man in charge of the place, as he clearly communicates to Webster's son David (Mark Mears) after the new college graduate shows up out of the blue to help get the place up and going. At first, the problems that arise are all man-made. Take, for example, the tubby, kleptomaniacal kid who defies the rules and goes riding around on his ATV -- not only does he and all of his noise potentially affect the oh-so-delicate local ecosystem, he turns an innocent young caveman into a one-man army of vengeance who goes after each of the campers like a father searching for his young daughter among all of the cars on Lovers' Lane.

Yes, I did say caveman. Not just any dumb old caveman, mind you -- this one knows how to operate machinery, destroy all means of communication and rig a great big pack of explosives. Clearly unhappy about all of these people invading his piece of wilderness, Cave Boy launches a campaign of murder and horror designed to scare or kill all of the interlopers in his valley.

Except for all of the really lame, stereotypical characters (such as the group of anti-authority bikers, an annoying trio featuring two wet-behind-the-ears guys and the rather well-endowed girl they are both after, a retired general who just wants to be left alone, a lovely young lady camping by herself and, of course, David "Dudley Dooright" Sangster), this movie would be even more forgettable than it already is. In terms of the horror aspect, there's not the least bit of suspense, and all of the potentially gory death scenes are handled with kid gloves. The big climactic scene near the end has a nice little twist to it, but it does not carry the emotional power it was probably designed to manifest -- simply because you can't possibly feel anything but contempt for these characters after spending 75-plus excruciatingly long minutes with them already.

Truly, the only things I got out of this entire movie were a few laughs and a handful of fun quotes. Did you know, for example, that "animals fall down wells all the time," or that you should never flick your Bic immediately after saying the words "well done?" Of course, nothing tops the now-you-see-them-now-you-don't-now-you-do scene of death via large object. They could have at least thrown a few dummies in there to make the shot look vaguely realistic, but no. Obviously, the filmmakers just didn't care.

Here's the bottom line: unless you're a slasher film enthusiast like me, there's really no need for you to waste your time hunting down and watching Memorial Valley Massacre.