From Amish to Irish
(sung to the tune of "The Moonshiner")
I once was a farmer in Amish country
But clothes without buttons don't satisfy me.
Bright colors and style are the things that I need,
So I'll trade my flat hat for some Donegal tweed.
I hoe my fields daily, I pray to the Lord,
But we've had no excitement since Harrison Ford.
I need some adventure, something I've never tried
And I don't mean no thrillin' Dutch Wonderland ride!
I'm a farmer, I'm a thief, I'm a dairyman too!
But I don't drink no milk now that Harp is my brew.
I've traded my buggy for a shamrock-green car,
From Amish to Irish is not very far!
I'm sick of the tourists who gawk, laugh and point
And call me and my posse bucolic and quaint.
I'll take to the highway and rob them all blind --
If I'm home for the harvest, then the missus won't mind!
I waylay the tourists from Blue Ball to Gap,
I pose for their pictures, but it's really a trap!
I'm no longer Amish, I'm a horse-thievin' Celt
For proof take a look at my cool knotwork belt!
There's lots of armed bandits, but me, I'm not one.
My frau says I'm dopplich, I'd fumble my gun.
But I'm harsh with a horseshoe, I crack a mean whip
So hand over your cup cheese, don't give me no lip!
I plunder the market, I rob roadside stands,
I rule Lincoln Highway and roam the farmlands.
But I stay off the water, I won't go to sea
'Cause them Susquehanna pirates just terrify me!
So keep all your schnitzel, forget your shoofly,
I'd rather eat haggis and hot Guinness pie.
I won't hang no hex sign, I prefer Celtic knots,
Leprechauns, jigging and Jameson shots!
My conscience don't vex me when I stop and take stock
As long as I'm sleeping by seven o'clock.
I smile as I slumber, my future looks bright
So I'll tuck up my quilt and I'll outen the light!
Lyrics by Tom Knapp, artful revisions by Chet Williamson; tune traditional.
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