Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot.
- Jack Handey

Words have divided man from woman,
one from another, this from that,
until only sages know how to put things together.
Without words, without even understanding,
lovers find each other.
... The moment of finding is always a surprise,
like meeting an old friend never before known.
- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Explore and discover that which is within.
When we find ourselves, we are more easily found by others.
- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

Speak low, if you speak love.
- William Shakespeare, Much Ado about Nothing

All the world is queer save me and thee; and sometimes I think thee a little queer.
- Quaker saying

Here's to our wives and sweethearts -- may they never meet.
- John Bunny

It's gude to be merry and wise,
It's gude to be honest and true;
It's gude to be off with the old love,
Before you are on with the new.
- unknown

Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away.
- Dorothy Parker

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense.
- Mark Overby

I envy the music lovers hear.
I see them walking hand in hand, standing close to each other in a queue at a theater or subway station, heads touching while they sit on a park bench, and I ache to hear the song that plays between them: The stirring chords of romance's first bloom, the stately airs that whisper between a couple long in love. You can see it in the way they look at each other, the shared glances, the touch of a hand on an elbow, the smile that can only be so sweet for the one you love. You can almost hear it, if you listen close. Almost, but not quite, because the music belongs to them and all you can have of it is a vague echo....
- Charles de Lint, Saskia, Moonlight & Vines

My bounty is as boundless as the sea,
My love as deep; the more I give to thee,
The more I have, for both are infinite.
- William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet

I love you as deeply as many years could make me, but less deeply than many years will make me.
- Christopher Fry, The Lady's Not for Burning

I humbly do beseech you of your pardon
For too much loving you.
- William Shakespeare, Othello

We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it; really look after it and nurture it.
- John Lennon

Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones, as the wind blows out the candle and fans the bonfire.
- La Rochefoucald

We that are true lovers run into strange capers.
- William Shakespeare, As You Like It

Ninety percent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.
- Terry Pratchett, Wyrd Sisters

Love and magic have a great deal in common.
They enrich the soul, delight the heart.
And they both take practice.
- Nora Roberts

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H.L. Mencken

We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
- Tom Robbins

Immature love says, 'I love you because I need you.'
Mature love says, 'I need you because I love you.'
- Erich Fromm

The first duty of love is to listen.
- Paul Tillich

Love goes toward love, as schoolboys from their books;
But love from love, toward school with heavy looks.
- William Shakespeare, Romeo & Juliet

I shall be loath to forego one day of you.
- Christopher Fry, The Lady's Not for Burning

Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig
and then suddenly he turns on you with a minature machine gun.
- Matt Groening

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.
- Matt Groening

But let there be spaces in your togetherness
and let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores
of your souls.
- Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
- Larry Miller

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
- Bob Ettinger

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
- Jimmy Shubert

Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason when a man is driving down the freeway of love, the woman he's with is like an exit, but he doesn't want to get off there. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is like, 'Look, gas, food, lodging, that's our exit, that's everything we need to be happy. ... Get off here, now!' But the man is focusing on the sign underneath that says, 'Next exit 27 miles,' and he thinks, 'I can make it.' Sometimes he can, sometimes he can't. Sometimes, the car ends up on the side of the road, hood up and smoke pouring out of the engine. He's sitting on the curb all alone, 'I guess I didn't realize how many miles I was racking up.'
- Jerry Seinfeld

It is the devastating matter-of-factness which kills all romance.
- Elinor Glyn

A woman has got to love a bad man or two in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

It is impossible to love and to be wise.
- Francis Bacon

Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
- Lewis Grizzard

Women complain about sex more often than men.
Their gripes fall into two major categories:
(1) Not enough. (2) Too much.
- Ann Landers

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- unknown

Why are we making small talk when we could be making big love?
- The Black Adder

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
- Mary Schmich, Chicago Tribune

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resorting to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
- H.L. Mencken

The husband who, through listlessness, does not go to his wife in her bed must pay a fine.
- from Ireland's ancient Brehon laws

Sex without love is a empty and meaningless experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
- Woody Allen

Dancing is the vertical expression of a horizontal desire.
- Eric Devres

The human race has achieved so much more than any other species in the time it's been on this earth ... that the imagination is unable to cope with all the things that the human being has done. The human race CREATED Things. They built wonderful buildings, invented wonderful machines, brought into being poetry, music and art. To beguile their eighty-odd years they have every conceivable diversion, from the symphonies of Beethoven to the Rubik's Cube. They can rush around in sports cars, they can shoot elephants, they can travel around the world in days, or even hours. In virtually every respect, they have made themselves the equals of the Gods. Most of all, they have all the Things in the world at their disposal to use and entertain themselves with. And what do they like doing best of all? They like taking off all their clothes - clothes over which they have expended so much effort and ingenuity - and doing biologically necessary but profoundly undignified things to other human beings. Any pig or spider can do that, it's the easiest thing in the world. But you bloody humans, who can do so much that no other species could ever do, you can't do THAT efficiently. You agonise over it. You make an incredible fuss over it. You get it all wrong, you make each others' lives miserable, you write dreary letters and take overdoses. You even invent a medicine that deliberately makes the whole process futile. My God, what a species!
... And so you give this irregularity in your minds a name of its own. You call it Love, which is meant to make everything all right. Rather than try and sort it out or find a vaccine, you go out of your way to glorify it.
- Tom Holt, Expecting Someone Taller

Most horses are tremendously well-endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers.
- The Black Adder

If a woman makes an assignation with a man to come to her in a bed or behind a bush, the man is not considered guilty even if she screams. If she has not agreed to a meeting, however, he is guilty as soon as she screams.
- from Ireland's ancient Brehon laws

Certainly nothing is unnatural that is not physically impossible.
- Richard Brinsley Sheridan, The Critic

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
- unknown

Of all the sexual aberrations, perhaps the most peculiar is chastity.
- Remy de Gourmont

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- Matt Barry

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- George Burns

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.
- Will Durst

Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
- Billy Crystal

A woman, occasionally, is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
- Karl Kraus

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
- Dorothy Parker

Of all the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse, yet he has left it out of his heaven.
- Mark Twain

Sex on the whole was meant to be short, nasty and brutish. If what you want is cuddling, you should buy a puppy.
- Julie Burchill

It's impolite to have sex anywhere that is visible to other people who aren't having sex.
- Jenny Eclair

Some people say her erogenous zones start some four miles from her actual body.
- Douglas Adams, Life, the Universe and Everything

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.
- Woody Allen

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
- Dave Barry

After millennia of bad press, the physiological phenomenon known as orgasm has been shown irrefutably to have no negative side effects.
- Nina Hartley

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
- Mignon McLaughlin

Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.
- William Shakespeare, Twelfth Night

The conception of two people living together for 25 years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
- Alan Patrick Herbert

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
- unknown

Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It's not fair that some men should be happier than others.
- Oscar Wilde

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

It was one thing not to want to marry someone, but quite another to be told they didn't want to marry you.
- Terry Pratchett, Mort

A young man married is a man that's marred.
- William Shakespeare, All's Well That Ends Well

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting matches over such issues as toaster settings.
- Dave Barry

The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same, so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy.
- Jerry Seinfeld

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

Love and marriage go together like angel cake and anthrax.
- Julie Burchill

The only really happy people are married women and single men.
- Marlene Dietrich

Though courtship turns frogs into princes, marriage turns them quietly back.
- Marge Piercy

You cannot possess me for I belong to myself. But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give. You cannot command me for I am a free person. But I shall serve you in those ways you require and the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand.
I pledge to you that yours will be the name I cry aloud in the night, and the eyes into which I smile in the morning. I pledge to you the first bite from my meat and the first drink from my cup. I pledge to you my living and my dying, each equally in your care. I shall be a shield for your back, and you for mine. I shall not slander you, nor you me. I shall honour you above all others, and when we quarrel, we shall do so in private and tell no strangers our grievances.
This is my wedding vow to you. This is the marriage of equals.
- wedding vows from Finn Mac Cool by Morgan Llywelyn